The Definitive Ethics Magazine Ranking of an Italian American Classic
by True
“Parm will not save you”
What marks the voice of God past the echo of our own? What creates the timelessness of American tradition save for the passage of time itself? And what is with these slack-jawed neanderthals putting TOMATOES in a goddamn Caesar? Picture this:
Girl, unknown, New York City, terminally and perpetually desperate. Many such cases. I’m her, that’s it, she’s me. You meet her at a party and she tells you she runs a literary magazine that publishes emergent forms of new and exciting language on the forefront of the American vanguard, and you’re like, that’s sooo cool, and then you ask her what she’s working on and she says well I’m trying to find the best Caesar salad in New York for this writeup, and you’re like: Oh. If it’s good enough for the top brass of a national television network, it’s good enough for me.
Really what this is is an ever-evolving, constantly updated list of every Caesar Salad I come across. Watch this space...
John’s of 12th Street
302 E 12th St, New York, NY 10003 Divinity, obviously. The advancements in food science happening vis-a-vis the mushroom-as-anchovy situation on display here need to be studied in a place of worship. Great atmosphere for the sneaky vegan upper echelon and please stop showing up at 9pm.
Marcellino178 Mulberry St, New York, NY 10012
Simple, elegant, perfect like an advertisement for a Caesar salad from a dream. Every bite just how you like it. You feel it all, right there--Every single step. No complaints and hate to say it goes crazy with chicken (Repeat offender).
Carmenta’s50 Starr St, Brooklyn, NY 11221
This one’s a daymaker. If you weren’t having a good day before this, you are now. At a bit of a hipster hole in the wall, like white guy hip hop vibes on Wilson Avenue, sneaking a simply incredible Caesar right under the noses of the bushwick dirt-elite. A block from Maria Hernandez, this just is a surprisingly incredible salad. Don’t come for the ambience, come for the homemade croutons and acres of Pecorino. There’s a spiral staircase down to the kitchen, which they let you go through to use the bathroom--always a plus for me. Pair it with a tall diet coke which they do sell in the fridges there for the perfect middle of the day, scrambled from the sun, deceptively delightful refresher.
Dimes49 Canal St, New York, NY 10002
A Caesar that doesn’t meet, doesn’t defy, but challenges your expectations of what a Caesar can be. A parallel to a Caesar, operating on a different plane. If you’re looking for traditional, honey, this isn’t it, which is exactly makes it the perfect candidate for fourth place (the inevitable positionality of the salad that zigs when you zag). But don’t be fooled, this is not a salad that fights back, but rather squirms and smiles before soft, subtle submission
Editors note: I’m well aware that this matches my complaints about forgetmenot but it just does do it better, or I was feeling charitable so it was welcome
Golden Diner123 Madison St, New York, NY 10002
Now this is a fucking classic. Very straightforward, lettuce sizing perfect, croutons exceptional and vegan though the fish is clearly missing. It’s giving Diner Salad, but isn’t the whole point of going to the diner to feel like you’re some kind of degenerate detective caught up in a high-stakes plot, only getting darker as it unfolds, a la the American tradition of nostalgia-in-the-moment? Tell your date to order that fucking pancake so you get a bite to go with.
Park Avenue Kitchen
514 Lexington Ave, New York, NY 10017
Got this to-go, I was in a state. Really I was in a mood because I’d wanted to get lunch with my girl before work but lesbians are notoriously bad at time management, aren’t we? So I opted to grab this $17 caesar and eat it while walking up Lex like a road animal, only because it was just right there though I didn’t deserve it. Onto business: Dressing perfectly thick, lemon confit expressly welcome although no croutons was a crazy vibe.* Really what I needed in this moment was to feel good about my life and it worked, sorta, for only a little bit. Tipped ten percent and felt like a bitch.
*Editors note: The menu does list croutons as an ingredient so maybe they just forgot?
Taix 1911 W Sunset Blvd, Los Angeles, CA 90026
Addicted to making French restaurants figure out a Caesar, and this one somehow gets it perfect despite not being anywhere on the menu. Have to be charismatic or beautiful to get this and I was both. Only reason this is so low on the list is its location (Los Angeles, which is not in New York at all).
The Odeon145 W Broadway, New York, NY 10013
OK so I could tell you that each bite was the perfect size. I could tell you that the dressing was masterfully layered, nuanced even. I could go so far as to tell you that it tasted just so nice, rich, etc. But missing parmigiano and it was THROTTLED by SHAVED croutons, which weren’t just not good but actively bad, tarnishing the rest of your bite. So nice in there though, especially the neon-ringed clock and the decadent bathroom, which was a great place to cry for the crying woman I comforted in there. Somehow the bill came out to a hundred dollars and I wanted to [REDACTED].
Grey Dog Chelsea
242 W 16th St, New York, NY 10011
Think I just needed it this day.
Forgetmenot
138 Division St, New York, NY 10002
TBH this is unfairly low despite being a technically very good salad because it just... wasn’t giving Caesar. Dressing not creamy at all it was olive oil and anchovies and though I love a full fish moment it needed the egg yolk and mustard babe!!! Parm will not save you.
Warren Street Hotel
86 Warren St, New York, NY 10007
At $65 for two salads (sans protein, btw) this was just disappointing. Yes, the feeling was immaculate in there but the Caesar was not hitting. Loved the size of the leaves and the amount of parmigiano was fine, but I’m not a fan of when they use breadcrumbs as the croutons it make me feel dirty, and though there were definitiely fish in the room where the salad happened, I do prefer a full anchovy approach to whatever you’d call this.
Mottley Kitchen
402 E 140th St, Bronx, NY 10454
This is an OK Caesar which is remarkable for the Bronx but definitely one where the dressing comes out of a storebought bottle, and I’ll say I was thrown off by the grape tomatoes, because, like, what?
The Roxy Hotel
2 6th Ave, New York, NY 10013
Bland! Forgettable! Blasphemous!
La Lanterna di Vittorio
129 MacDougal St, New York, NY 10012
No Caesar because they “don’t have the dressing” oh you’re telling me there’s no parmigiano reggiano and lemons in the back??? Kill yourself. At least try to placate me. Don’t order the caprese out of protest.
Editors note: You Will Be Disappointed.